Of endings
If your read my previous entry in proconservation, i wrote about a place i used to live as a child called Air View Towers, mentioning that it would be the last time i visited the place, it being due for en-bloc soon. We went there again tonight, but this time was really the last time we would come to 风景楼, It was my grandaunt's wake. Her death came all too sudden for she still looked healthy 10 days ago when paid a new years visit.
She feel unconscious just before we were going to meet up for lunch on Sunday, not long after that her heart stopped. They tried keeping her alive on machines but she was already brain dead when the paramedics came, the scene was traumatizing, i just stood there almost frozen, the wait at the hospital was just as depressing. The doctors told us to wait but we knew she was going to leave us very soon. They kept her on the machine for two days before certifying her brain dead, which gave enough time for the rest of the family to come back from overseas. I tried getting back to work in studio that Sunday, but i just couldn't do anything, the flu didn't help either. It was a sickening feeling i never felt before.
AirView Tower or 风景楼 (pronounced Hong2 Keng1 Lau2 in Hokkien) was where she lived and where i grew up. It was also where my dad and his brothers and sisters grew up. My aunt found a bag full of old photographs my grandaunt kept, she had photos of herself, my grandma, photos of trips she went, photos of the house, all my relatives weddings, there was one wedding portrait in a envelope, in it she looked really nice in a black and white photo with a gown and a bouquet of roses, no one ever saw that picture of her till now. We all took turns looking at them as if she wanted us to remember some things. You know how funny it is when you look at old photos of your relatives, the shoulder pads, the thick, glasses, shorts and singlets, KFC parties and gelled hair. Nobody laughed though, not that we didn't dare, all we could do was smile a little reminiscing the past. There was an album for my 2nd birthday, i kept looking at it, we celebrated it here, i recognized the mosaic floor tiles and wooden furniture. When the chanting in the background came on, all i did was look at the house behind the yellow tent now set up on the carpark, looking at the gated door where i once sat next to staring out into the carpark for reasons i can't remember.
My uncle said this was like the "last episode", "Da Jie Jue" , like in drama serials. There's hardly any reason to come here anymore now that she passed away. Still everyone had this sentimental attachment to her and the house we all grew up in. It was comforting to know that her death was a painless one, she went away in peace. Seeing everyone again today, all looking less shaken than on Sunday, it was a sign that we all eventually had to move on. Life scheduled with a few last episodes somehow works that way i guess?
It wasn't comfortable writing this out but blogs really are for those who need to speak but have no mouth.
My apologies for keeping everyone in the dark about this, i never dealt with death that often, not that i want to. and it did feel better putting this down somewhere. The only thing i could really do back then was just stay silent. It is often difficult to find strength to just carry on but one inevitably has to realising that it won't be the same path again. We get our strength from Above, our friends and family, they are where we find comfort in and should be grateful for.
She feel unconscious just before we were going to meet up for lunch on Sunday, not long after that her heart stopped. They tried keeping her alive on machines but she was already brain dead when the paramedics came, the scene was traumatizing, i just stood there almost frozen, the wait at the hospital was just as depressing. The doctors told us to wait but we knew she was going to leave us very soon. They kept her on the machine for two days before certifying her brain dead, which gave enough time for the rest of the family to come back from overseas. I tried getting back to work in studio that Sunday, but i just couldn't do anything, the flu didn't help either. It was a sickening feeling i never felt before.
AirView Tower or 风景楼 (pronounced Hong2 Keng1 Lau2 in Hokkien) was where she lived and where i grew up. It was also where my dad and his brothers and sisters grew up. My aunt found a bag full of old photographs my grandaunt kept, she had photos of herself, my grandma, photos of trips she went, photos of the house, all my relatives weddings, there was one wedding portrait in a envelope, in it she looked really nice in a black and white photo with a gown and a bouquet of roses, no one ever saw that picture of her till now. We all took turns looking at them as if she wanted us to remember some things. You know how funny it is when you look at old photos of your relatives, the shoulder pads, the thick, glasses, shorts and singlets, KFC parties and gelled hair. Nobody laughed though, not that we didn't dare, all we could do was smile a little reminiscing the past. There was an album for my 2nd birthday, i kept looking at it, we celebrated it here, i recognized the mosaic floor tiles and wooden furniture. When the chanting in the background came on, all i did was look at the house behind the yellow tent now set up on the carpark, looking at the gated door where i once sat next to staring out into the carpark for reasons i can't remember.
My uncle said this was like the "last episode", "Da Jie Jue" , like in drama serials. There's hardly any reason to come here anymore now that she passed away. Still everyone had this sentimental attachment to her and the house we all grew up in. It was comforting to know that her death was a painless one, she went away in peace. Seeing everyone again today, all looking less shaken than on Sunday, it was a sign that we all eventually had to move on. Life scheduled with a few last episodes somehow works that way i guess?
It wasn't comfortable writing this out but blogs really are for those who need to speak but have no mouth.
My apologies for keeping everyone in the dark about this, i never dealt with death that often, not that i want to. and it did feel better putting this down somewhere. The only thing i could really do back then was just stay silent. It is often difficult to find strength to just carry on but one inevitably has to realising that it won't be the same path again. We get our strength from Above, our friends and family, they are where we find comfort in and should be grateful for.
posted by Jon at 11:18 PM
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