Of Contentment

sorry for the lack in post these days, no i have not gone into hiding after the submissions it was more of the home internet being down and all (i'm blogging this from school now, i know wtf, don't ask why, i just came back to pick up stuff). Anyway Friday was a damn good dim sum day with the whole jingang and coming home to see grandma and mum was quite the taiwanese drama moment where the long forgotten son decides to return home and is received with open arms and the opacity 50% of some damn touching hokkien rock ballad of "suffering and wait" playing irritating softly in the background. yes opacity fifty percent...probably with a blend and feather radius too.

I could blog a million and one things about the panic attacks, the macdonalds breakfasts and the damn good friends in studio,the power naps and the not so powerful ones, the f#$king smooth application for exchange program or dreams of traveling faraway now but nothing i tell you NOTHING in this world beats family.

This blog maybe the "whirl according" to me but man i totally forgot who wrote the script to this movie of my life. You see for the past three months family life has been an academy award deserving drama that i rather not win. The grandmother has not been of sound health this year. Most of time, for the past 20 odd years in fact, I'll get home, we talk, the usual grandma and son talk about schoolwork and the bad food in school, about the drama on tv and the gossipy stuff about relatives back in china and all, who i never seen but know too many secrets about. This got less and less though and the then she started to describe hearing sounds only she could hear. She kept asking me if i could hear it, songs playing in the background, chants going on in the middle of the night, sounds which i obviously couldn't hear. I told her it was probably my tiredness that i couldn't hear it (i rather lie to her then let her worry you see). I started to scare me abit, we checked her medication, realised she's been skipping the occasional pills to treat her diabetes and cholesterol, it could also have been that some of her best friends have passed away recently and bit by bit she got more lonely. We spent more time with her, controlled her diet (diabetes is never a good thing for a family of sweet tooths), brought her out more, let her hang out with her other friends but it didn't seem to help.

In fact it got worse during the last three weeks when the sounds became voices. She started to hear two people talking to her, i told her there was no such thing, that i couldn't see them, i kept talking to her to keep her mind away, at times before school i rather be late for lectures and spend time just watching tv with her. But even our favorite channel...animal planet... couldn't keep those voices at bay. Two then became 4 and then it was a whole group, it distracted her, she couldn't cook right, her sleep was disrupted. While i was trying to work at home (instead of studio) late into the night she would be up at 3am looking very distraught. It worried us like hell, it did worry her alot too.

This did eventually affect family, school work.....things i thought could only happen on tv or some academy award dramas.

In view of the circumstances things did turn for the better though. unlike a dramatic turning point in a movie we got a much welcomed subtle version of a poorly written screenplay (i didn't mind it at all) The doctors diagnosed her case as an onset of early stage dementia, a sign of passing the 70 year barrier, which happens to alot of the elderly on my mother's side. She was still able to discern those voices away from reality so every now and then we just got to tell her to not listen to them and just.... well" wing them off". For starters we have to try to not let her imagination wander off, talking to her helps alot. Dementia by the way is not an end all, and one can live with it with the support of your family and friends. She's been able to fight these off now, realising that they were not "spirits" bugging her, we can talk about the normal things again and watch our tv together. What's even better is that she began going to church, she's starting to pray and accepting God into her life has given her new found strength, i guess it woke her up alittle now too. From a person who totally opposed my mum from going to church in her teens to someone who has accepted the creator into their life...it can only be a happy thing. (that was also why i was at peace working in studio for submission too....like that hymn we sing...all is well...all is well in my soul...)

So today was a good day, a day to end the bad drama that unfolded. Submission's over, the stress is gone, the drama's credits start to roll. a new screenplay is written, a nicer one that doesn't deserve an award, its boring, normal, everyday nondescript stuff which was much needed. We sat together in church, praying together, the simple ones from Mathew 6........our father in heaven...hallowed be thy name..thy will be done......
Then going out for brunch. No need for the lavish posh places kids in hong kong drama serials love to bring their parents to. It was a simple meal of nasi lemak in bedok interchange where she used to do her marketing often.
Sitting down i lie to her again, telling her that a plate of rice with chicken wings cost 2 bucks when it really cost 4, no point telling her how much everything cost now, it'll only worry her more. I never held those hands before so much, i never realised how frail they were, how much they been through, i wished i did so earlier, but i never was one comfortable with the business of hugging and holding ...yes even with the ones closest to me.

It was a good day for all. I could finally tell her i was leaving for exchange soon and was really sorry for not being home as much as i should, she surprising took it well and even started telling me stuff about travel again, usually i'll ignore her cheesy travel tips about keeping money, avoiding strangers and funky foods, which i usually just "ah lah, ah lah" back but i just sat there hearing intently now just happy that all was somewhat back to normal again.

I never needed so much to happen but i guess sometimes they just unfold before you
and you can only cling on to the hope that things will turn back again.
Contentment and not happiness is all i treasure now.
Everything else is a God given bonus. Amen to that